How do you react to a public toddler tantrum?

We just had one outside. In the rain. In front of a dozen horrified Williamsburg hipsters. My kid went totally boneless. He was SCREAMING. Just screaming.

"MY ANIMAL CRACKERS! MINE!" (Because I took the bag away because he was carrying the bag upside down therefore leaving a trail of sad animals behind him.)

Usually I remain calm (or laugh) but today I was just tired and wet and tired.

So I said, "YOU DON'T THINK I'LL LEAVE YOU OUT HERE WITH THE ANIMALS IN THE RAIN? YOU DON'T THINK SO?"

Not a good reaction.

I always feel bad for the parents. If parents remove the kid, they get secret applause, because that's what I'd do. But sometimes a parent can't do that or just ignores the kid and I understand why.

Mostly because there are those days where if you say anything to your screaming kid, it's going to be along the the lines of "you are not my child, you demon spawn of evil."

Oooh oooh! One more! Tell your child VERY LOUDLY that his mommy isn't going to be very happy about his behavior. This implies you are, perhaps, his babysitter or aunt and therefore not responsible for tantrum-type behavor. Notice, I advise nothing helpful or responsible, just ways to avoid embarrassment. I suck as a parent. But people like me, which is, of course, most important.

Also, do you live in Williamsburg? I just moved from there!

In all seriousness...

If my mind was in the right place, meaning I had an ounce of patience, I'd pick her up, move her to a corner or a wall, and talk her into calming down. If she didn't calm down I'd pick her up and physically remove her from wherever I was. Go back to the car, back home, just away.

If I didn't have an ounce of patience, I'd just skip to the physical removal part. Because I was so embarrassed.

Once while checking out at the grocery store my child decided to ask for a bag of candy. I said no, of course, and he lost his mind. I was stuck, with half of my stuff down the conveyor belt, unable to leave. I tried to be the bigger person and ignore him, why try to reason with a crazy person right? The cashier eventually looked at him and 'shooshed' him and gave me such a look that I began to well up with tears. The most wonderful woman, a total stranger, two isles down from me looked at me and said "It's OK you are almost out of here". She saved me. Now every time I see a mom in distress I try to give her that same vote of confidence, if only with a look of understanding. We ALL have days like that and there is no easy way out when your child decides this is the moment that the s is going to hit the fan. At least we can be there for each other, if only in a nod of understanding. Stay strong sisters!!! Also I totally agree with Heather, if you can abandon ship!!

My son threw a massive tantrum a couple of weekends ago while we were, of course, at Wal-Mart. I'd promised him a Thomas train before we got in the store but when we got to that aisle they had the wrong kinds of trains. I decided that rather than buying junk we'd head to Target, which was just down the street and which I knew had the right trains. Obviously the boy didn't understand what was going on and thought that he wasn't getting a train after all. I kept explaining to him what we were doing but it didn't make any difference and he kept kicking and screaming all the way to the car and into his car seat. Once we were in the car, I yelled at him firmly and directly until I got his attention and then explained what we were doing, and then I ignored him as he screamed until we got to the Target parking lot and started to put it together for himself.

I've been called "infuriatingly patient" more than once, so I've found that what works is to use that patience when we're in public and then when we're on our own or in our house, I'll turn up the volume. It typically works — the boy figures that if dad's yelling, some shit's going down and he's not gonna end up winning.

Incidentally, essdog (and other fathers and mothers of boys) what's the deal with Thomas? My son is completely obsessed with this show and the toys. It doesn't help they are bloody unbelievably expensive.

There goes your college fund, kid!

That gives me an idea: next time I think I'll just accuse him of causing confusion and delay.

In the days before I had a child, I would always look on in mild disgust knowing that when I had children they would certainly never behave in such a manner.

Now that I have a child - a shockingly strong-willed and generally unreasonable, unpredictable, bundle of joy - I look on in utter and complete sympathy. I want to scream: "Hang in there sister! I've been there!"

I once did the "I am going to leave you here" thing only to have my not-quite-four year old say "But I'm your kid...I CAME OUT OF YOUR VAGINA!" The corporate softball team we were walking by at the time thought it was awesome.

I will toss out a "Let me know when you're finished" and proceed to go about my business. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The puzzler I'm working on these days is that my 3 year old throws a full-out, body on the floor fit whenever I reach for a cart at the store. This is especially awesome when my 6 month old is along as well. It makes me want to just quit everything.

My favorite story is about a friend of mine whose son insisted on taking a trip into a toy store, though he had been assured in advance that no toys would be bought. Of course, once inside the toy store, the child forgot the deal, and became very upset at his father's refusal to purchase the toy he had decided that he wanted. He started out with a few small whimpers which then escalated to a huge tantrum complete with screaming and kicking. So what did my friend do? He got down on the ground right next to his kid and started kicking and screaming himself! "I don't want to buy it! You told me I wouldn't have to buy anything! I want to go home!" His son was quick to jump to his feet, dry his eyes, and say, "Please Dad, stop! Can we go home now?" No tantrums for awhile after that ...

Perhaps not the most likely response by a parent, but it seemed to work well. Public tantrums don't bother me. I usually give a kind eye to the mom or dad. I don't have kids myself but I know that tantrums are not easy to work with and that everyone's kids are different so who am I to judge them for having screaming kids? I expect to be in the same boat someday down the road and that is what I would always hope for - an understanding glance.

The only time tantrums really bother me is when we're eating out or at a movie. If we're paying a good dollar for a decent meal at a place with ambiance, and there's a screaming kid a couple of tables over, AND the parents don't do anything to try and solve the problem, that really pisses me off (at least take the kid out of the room and try and calm him down). Same thing with the movies. I've paid to be there - it's AN "R" RATED FILM- why is your 2-year-old screaming his head off and you're just ignoring it? Why did you even bring your kid to a movie not suitable for the kid?

Otherwise, I try to give the parents a supportive look and a pray for them.

Point and laugh.

I'm not a parent either, but I do work in a grocery store. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between kids just being kids, and kids whose parents are just totally disconnected. On the other hand, I know it's not like parents are going to parently perfectly at all times. But all that to say that I see a lot of dumb-ass parents out there, giving their kid every little thing just to shut them up. I'd rather listen to a kid screaming if it's at least obvious that the parent is standing his/her ground.

I removed my son from the situation till he calmed down and realized it was getting him nowhere. Now that he's 5 the tantrums are *almost* non-existent, thankfully.

I've had MANY children. I find that around age three they start with the tantrums and assertion of independence. SO annoying. I've had great success selling them to wandering gypsies. You can get a great price if they are otherwise healthy, and you know how to haggle. Then just start over with a new kid. You'll get it right eventually!

From day one, when my daughter would even begin to attempt to freak out in a public place I would immediately carry her outside and have a talk with her about how that behavior is absolutely unacceptable and will get her nowhere with me. It only took a couple of times, and she was an absolute angel from then on (in public at least).

When my kids are being good and we hear another kid in the store screaming, I always look at them and roll my eyes and say something like "that little boy is so annoying...he shouldn't be screaming in the store, should he? That's too loud isn't it?" and I don't let them point, but my kids laugh and agree with me. And then if they ever pull that (very rarely), I look at them very seriously and say, "you're not acting like that screaming kid we saw at Target that one time, are you?" and they stop immediately. This has worked since they were about 2 or 3. I guess they like feeling superior to other children.

I work in child abuse prevention and this is a huge part of our work. While there's lots of funny things to say or do, when a parent is stressed out, it can sometimes lead to far worse things.

Here are some tips we use to help:

Empathize with the parent. “I know how my child
sometimes acts up in a restaurant.”

Offer assistance. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Divert the parent’s attention. “Children can sure try our patience, can’t they?”

Relieve the tension by saying something positive. “She sure has beautiful eyes.”

Divert the child’s attention.
“Let me show you a picture of my son. He’s a big boy like you.”

Ensure safety. If the child is left alone in a shopping cart, stand nearby until the parent returns.

More info here: http://www.pcamn.org/home/pcamn3/public_html/media/File/StressOutParentB...

We've all been there or will be there at some point!

I don't have kids but used to go on shopping trips with my best friend and her two girls because sometimes it was the only way we could spend quality time together.

When one of the girls would throw a fit I would wheel her away (they were, invariably, in separate shopping carts) and do what Heather does when she has patience -- quietly talk kidlet into calming down. If there was crying, I'd even breathe with her to help her slow her breathing down to help calm her. My mantra: "I know you can calm down. You can calm down." Repeat ad infinitum.

Their mom tended to appreciate me wheeling the kid away to do my pep talk so she could pretend for a brief golden moment that it was my kid, not hers. ;-)

On one shopping trip the youngest was getting worked up and her sister came over to her and started my "You can calm down" routine.... and it worked!

I walked on air for days afterwards.

It happened twice when he was 2-3. Both times I just carried him kicking and screaming to the car. I was more into preventing them in the first place - I just wouldn't go if it was getting close to nap time and he was tired/cranky.

Now that he's 4 threats to never bring him again (or at least until he's bigger) work very well. And we go over the behavioral expectations before we go in - kind of like a prize fight: "There will be no whining, no arguing, no begging for candy/toys/balloons. If you violate any of these terms we will leave immediately and I will come back by myself, and you will not come shopping again with me until you can prove you will behave."

It's a shame we can't just leave the little buggers in the car like our parents used to.

When each of my children threw that inevitable first tantrum, the real thing, where they knew what they were doing and not just the baby-is-too-tired crying jag thing, I'd scoop him up and leave the store/restaurant/Grandma's house, etc., take him to his room and put him safely in his crib to cry it out.

We walked away from the grocery cart, left the meal unfinished, left the movie unwatched, left the zoo before the monkey house; no warnings, no goodbyes, no bribes, no one more chance to behave. We would leave the area immediately and isolate the child. No negotiations, no pleading.

Once separated from everyone and everything, we would check in on him occasionally to be sure he was okay, but nothing else till he calmed himself down, quit crying and said he was sorry for being naughty.

None of my boys ever threw a tantrum in public or private after the age of three. They learned early that tantrums got them nothing but time alone to cry.

It was hard to let them cry it out. It took a lot of patience, and on my bad days, a lot of anger management, but putting them in their room to wait out the hissy fit was safe and effective.

I wish I were brave enough to try this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxXIhM9nd2o&feature=PlayList&p=3CFD8A8896...

I am not a parent, but I have siblings 13 & 15 years younger than me, have worked in child care for 5 years, and often witness many tantrums. I am told on many occassions that I have the patience of Job, but mostly because I have the ability to tune out crying and screaming instantaneously. ;]

I have always found saying, "I really do not like it when you scream at me" or "I would really like it if you would calm down and use your words." to be fairly effective. If the tantrums with my sisters still continued, they were taken to the car if possible.

When my children were at the tantruming age, I removed them from location, put them in the car, and drove home. My oldest son would start screaming, "I want my mommy!" over and over again as we were on our way out... I always expected someone to accuse me of kidnapping him. However, in the midst of his tantrum that may have been just fine with me.