Finally, someone who does what I do; ie: My order is wrong. I wish I was dead. Or, money is tight I wish I was dead. My teeth are fucked up I wish I was dead. The flowers I planted died I wish I was dead. Right this very minute there are 8 -yes eight- kittens in my sunroom that need homes & man, do I ever wish I was dead. It is overwhelming even though I consider myself an animal lover. The thought "I wish I was dead" goes thru my head many many times a day.
Ironically, my husband committed suicide, which made me want to commit suicide, but I can't because I know how much it hurts those left behind. So right now, my plan is to outlive my mother because I could not do that to her. When I lose her, who knows?
My disability came through and that has helped a lot. I hated my shitty job & struggled hourly to get through every day. Again, there is some irony there. Like, hey I'm better now, but please don't make me go back to work.
I finally decided that if I end up in a nursing home I WILL find a way to die. I just hope I still have the wits to do it if it ever comes to that. Pills or a razor would be my choice. I read (a detective novel) that called suicide by pills "the blue canoe". That actually made it more appealing somehow.
eta: I'm late to this conversation, so I'm wondering if it'll even get read...
Also, it is so sweet of ya'll to say you care & that you'd miss me. But my honest reaction? Yeah, right.